I know most of you think dogs are just dogs and they don't feel what we feel, right? I don't believe that for one minute. When Cyndi and I are not feeling well our Heidi Girl knows it and she is there to comfort us. Don't get me wrong as I have seen dogs do the opposite, but not in our case.
Our dog had to go to the Vets today, (big bill) as usual, but she still senses something not right.
Today was the worst of the worst days for news as Cyndi did not come back with clear margins from her surgeon. We were afraid of this, but still kept a positive attitude, prayed and hoped for the best.
I am trying to keep my mind open, and thoughts as positive as I can and refuse to think otherwise even now. I am so upset that not very much research has been done with this Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma type of cancer. I hope research will continue as this new form of cancer seems to be a silent one. It can lay dormant it seems for years, and it takes years for it to be noticed.
If anyone reads this I would like to pass onto you something Cyndi has told me. She said she has had pain in her breast or over twenty years. If this is your case do not delay, get to the doctors office and insist in a total exam.
Well I really wanted to rant and rave here tonight, but figured this would be much more productive to help someone here, or even in future months or years.
I feel like time is standing still, and in some ways this is a comfort to me. Waiting for Cyndi's results of "clear margins" cannot come soon enough. I read blogs written by women who have gone through the same ordeal, and came back with no clear margins. It seems this Adenoid Cystic Carcenoma type of cancer is a impossible to actually see when the surgeon is trying to get it all. It seems like it will be a miracle if we hear "clear margins" done deal. My heart goes out to those who have to fight this frightening cancer, or any cancer for that matter.
I do know this much. A person has to live life and enjoy the time we have here. When you look at life as it is, we really are not on this planet for a long time. I think one hundred years is really not a long time when you look back on what has happened during the last one hurdred years. What the heck, we have gone from riding a horse to riding a bike, then a car, motorcycle, train, airplane, and so on. The accomplishments are astounding that we have been able to do all this, but cannot find cures for certain cancers. I wonder what is in store for us the next hundred years? Will we all be like the Jetson's and fly around and live in high rise apartments? LOL, I sure hope not.
Well here is to clear margins, my prayer request made fervently through the faith we have in our God. He is awsome to do what He did for us, things will work out for the best, in any case.
Today as I looked forward to having lunch with my wife, my gut really was turning upside down. I knew today was the day Cyndi would find out if this Thursday was a go or not for her breast surgery. I knew deep down the answer was more than likely a yes, it will be. I was right, my feelings didn't let me down as usual. Cyndi quietly told me once I was in the car as we drove off, "well it is this Thursday."
My stomach really went for a turn over then, and I felt myself starting to become overwhelmed again. I quickly said to myself, that's enough, get with the program and have a nice lunch. And that is just what we did.
My suggestion for any person going through this ordeal with a loved one is to try and stay in the ball game, and try your best to support the decision your wife makes. Being as positive as you can be will help get her through it. Just being a sounding board is really healthy for us both. This has been a learning experience I will never forget. All in all I will say this though. It has brought us together even in a stronger way than I can ever imagin.
Enough rambling, I will check back later and let you know how things are going.
It is going on two weeks now since my wife Cyndi was diagnosed with cancer, or has it been longer? It sure seems like it has been a life time event. Where is time going, so much to discuss, so many feelings and emotions to share with each other. The time alone, without her in my presence scares the life out of me. The thought of her not being here and not being able to beat this cancer...No way! She will win this! So here is my perspective for those men, or women here that want to hear it like it is, this is how I feel. Scared, alone, beaten with a ball bat in my stomach. Then came the tears, along with words that did not come out right. Questions, a ton of them. How, why, when, how bad, how long, where do we go for help, who does what? Are we sure this doctor will do the right job? All these words seemed to mean something, didn't they?
Then, as time settled and I was able to listen to Cyndi explain what we were up against, a calm started to slightly come about. I say slightly because I do not think I will ever have a peace of mind regarding this thing called cancer, that is threatening the life of the person I cherish. How could this happen to her, after all she just came through a brain tumor removal a year and a half ago.
It seems like birthdays really do suck, pardon my french, but they do. Let me tell you why. Cyndi had her seizures on my birthday, August 24th, and when did she go in for her removal of her tumor in her breast? On her birthday, December 18th, (oh, did I mention she made 50 now?) LOL, well she did. She is catching up with me. OK, back to the story. I guess I am trying to throw out to the men here especially, how it feels to have this happen to your loved one. I am learning to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, and to listen and bring in all I can she is telling me. Men, you will not catch it all, oh you will think you did, but you won't. The shock has something to do with it, and you will continue to ask the same question later, maybe a few times, but it will sink in as time goes on. I think this is enough for now. I do want to say I am thankful for this site. I know Cyndi and I will try and be a part of helping anyone we can. Thanks Molly for being here, Cyndi and you truely are sisters, so many of you out here are very special ladies. SHMILY, that was for Cyndi. Semper Fi.........Always faithful.
The question is a simple one, and easy to answer. My wonderful wife, Cynthia, also known as "Cyndi." You see we use to both be in Real Estate, she sold homes, I financed homes, oops, wrong....she will catch me on this one so lets back pedal a bit. She also financed homes too. That's right, she did it. By now you should know this blog is not going to be a lot about me, but mostly about Cyndi.
How do I start is the question? I have written several blog posts, this should be easy. No, it's not. You see Cyndi has been diagnosed with Adenoid Cystic Carsinoma, a very rare cancer. The word itself is hard for me to type, I have come to hate it's very spelling, and what it stands for. I am in some ways also releaved that it is a slow growing type of cancer.
Within this last week I have come to understand a few things. I am indeed an impatient person. I want things done now, not tomorrow but now. I also want answers as to why did this happen, and how can I fix it? Impossible, I cannot fix this, you and I both know this. I can do one thing that I know will make a difference. I can ask our God to help by placing the right surgeon in the operating room for Cyndi. The other comes easy, by trying to be here for her all through this ordeal. That is why I am writing this I guess. It is important that she knows I love her beyond what words will say, and I know that with her courage and faith, she will beat this and be able to help who ever she may come in contact with. SHMILY, is a very special saying we have, see how much?